Too Many Touchstones
by wowsugarpuss
Summary: Sometimes you just need to hear the story of how we got here. Logan and Veronica and Lilly.


"_This is totally cool – you can like remember me forever." Lilly giggled as Veronica set up the camera in her room._

_As she fiddled a little with the tripod Veronica reprimanded her. "I won't need to _remember_ you, Lilly – BFF, right?" She reached out her pinky, offering a solemn oath._

"So_ BFF!" She exclaimed, hooking her little finger into Veronica's in a playground promise._

"_Pinky swear!" She grinned back sweetly._

Wallace wasn't so into pinky swears or how to find and blot the perfect pink lipstick, or talking about which cute celebrities would make the best replacement boyfriends. But that was okay because Veronica didn't think about those things much anymore anyway.

"_You've got Lilly, go!" She chirped brightly into the receiver._

_After a moment Logan replied with a sarcastic drawl. "I don't think that's what your mom meant by good telephone manners."_

_Lilly rolled her eyes at her cell. "Yeah, well Celeste could do well to learn some etiquette herself. She went like totally crazy today after she raided my room."_

"_What'd she find?" His voice was a strange combination of worried and amused._

_She grinned out the words. "Playboys and condoms."_

"_So… I'm not on the VIP list for tonight, then?"_

"_You're always on _my_ VIP list." She smiled breathily into the phone._

She breathed sex – breasts moving tauntingly with every rise and fall of her lungs. Lips pouting provocatively around the words they created. Veronica has always wanted to be Lilly – who ruled and reigned, not taking shit from anyone. She was beautiful and bubbly and desperate to escape her surroundings – like champagne from a bottle.

_He watched her, his eyes dark. "You couldn't withhold sex if you tried."_

"_Not wrong." She smirked._

Logan would freely admit that he has a thing for blondes – after all didn't everybody? All the people he had ever known had been in love with at least one of two petite blondes – that between them had taken up a good portion of his life.

Of course he'd always known Veronica was hot – he was dating her best friend (was her friend) but he wasn't blind. The thing is Veronica of yore would never have fitted well with any kind of Logan, they were too different. She was still too innocent. Uptight and un-jaded.

"_Oh my God, Veronica, you need to loosen up! If there's one thing boys like it's—"_

"_A loose girl?"_

"_Meow! Now that's the girl I was talking about. This is _so_ why we're friends."_

Logan didn't have a problem touching people – he did it constantly to anyone that crossed his path. He just found it comforting to have something solid to ground his emotions on, to focus them all through his hands. But he found it increasingly awkward to touch Veronica. He was loath to touch her out of anger and gratitude was not his strong point. But he tried and every time it got a little easier.

"_This is awesome!" Lilly exclaimed._

"_There's nothing 'awesome' about being stranded in a strange town – my dad's gonna freak."_

"_Uh, hotel sleepover, anyone? We'll just phone your dad when we get there – he can't be mad if the car broke down."_

"_There'd better be a mini-bar." Logan groaned sleepily into his hands._

_Lilly pulled his hand away. "There'll be one if you use your dad's credit card."_

"_There'll be paparazzi here in the morning." He scowled._

_She didn't hesitate. "Then use _your_ credit card."_

"_There'll be paparazzi here in the morning." He repeated – his expression deadpan._

"_Well then there'd better be a mini-bar _and_ a mirror so I can get ready for my close up!" She preened._

"_Like they'll be able to see anything with you attached to Logan's face."_

_Lilly sounded mildly impressed. "Gosh, V, once those claws come out they don't go back."_

"_She's just jealous." He scoffed, brushing the back of his nails swiftly down his chest for good measure._

_Veronica blushed profusely and Lilly smacked Logan's arm hard. "Like you're good enough for Veronica."_

"_I'm good enough for you." He observed._

"_Yeah, but I'm like totally shallow – and you're pretty." She teased._

"_Right back at you." He grinned, pulling her in close._

"_Guys!" Veronica broke the moment. "This isn't fair – I'm not sharing a room with you if you're going to be all over each other. Can't we just phone Duncan? This whole thing is traumatizing enough as it is."_

"_Traumatizing?" Lilly gasped. "But the fun hasn't even started yet, Veronica!"_

"_Why can't we just phone Duncan? Where is he anyway?" She insisted._

"_Because he's… Away. Mom sent him to some 'future presidents of the US' camp or something."_

_Veronica looked increasingly worried, as she bit her lip. "Come on, Lilly, please. I need to get home."_

"_You're no fun sometimes, V!" Lilly practically spat._

"_Lilly, chill." Logan turned to Veronica. "I'll call a cab."_

"_Thank you!"_

"_Anytime – although I am going to need some entertainment on the ride, so… girl on girl?" He raised his eyebrows to each of them._

_Lilly looked at him as if he was stupid. "There'll be plenty pay-per-view in the hotel."_

"_But we're not going to the hotel." He squinted at her, palm upturned in question._

"_Veronica'll be fine, won't you?"_

"_You want to send your best friend on a three hour cab journey by herself – in the dark?" He questioned incredulously._

"_It's okay…" Veronica started meekly, not wanting to be the cause of a blow out between the two._

_Lilly's features settled into a finely tuned scowl as she pouted back at Logan. "Fine, do whatever but I'm getting a hotel room."_

"_Where?" He demanded. "Don't be stupid Lilly."_

_Veronica's throat was tight and clogged with tears – on the verge of crying she pleaded with her friends. "Guys, I'm sorry – please don't argue. I don't mind, I can go home on my own."_

_Logan turned back to her briefly. "I'm going with you."_

"_You always side with like everyone except me!" Lilly cried._

"_Stop being a bitch Lilly, you don't need to go to a hotel – Veronica needs to go home."_

"_Whatever." She glowered at him._

"_You're such a brat." He muttered._

"_Pot. Kettle. Black. _Hello_?!"_

"_Please just stop it." Veronica sniffed. "I'll just call my dad."_

Veronica doesn't really remember the times she would argue with Lilly – not anymore. They seem so redundant now; Veronica never held a grudge when Lilly was alive, so why would she start now. Years after she died. Most of her memories were good ones – but even they were beginning to become tiring – as if by even remembering her Veronica was left lugging around the weight of Lilly's corpse.

She was tempted to let memories of everyone else she had ever known slip away too, just to get Lilly out of her head. Because everything had been about Lilly – everyone she had known had revolved around Lilly. She couldn't remember Duncan or Logan without remembering Lilly – and it was so tempting to erase the look in Logan's eyes when Lilly kissed her. The look on Duncan's face as Lilly demanded the virgins drink – all the little expressions and touches and experiences that had passed between them all.

Veronica wanted to forget them all, sometimes.

_Veronica looked over at her with sleep-glazed eyes. "When is this all going to be over, Lilly? When does it get to end?"_

_Lilly's eyes widened. "Uh, never – BFF, remember?"_

"_So the pinky swear really does transcend death." She wasn't sure who she was talking to anymore. "And I thought it was just an idle playground threat."_

"_Not so much." Lilly shrugged her mouth apologetically._

Lilly had kissed girls before – for fun, for spin the bottle, for some attention – and Veronica would admit that it had unnerved her a little. She wasn't as free as Lilly with her love, and after the events of her life so far she didn't think she ever would be. Because she was scared, because she'd been raped, because she'd been abandoned.

When she woke up alone in a strange bed her first thought was to cry down the phone to Lilly – but she was dead. Her next was to sit up and find Duncan – but he was avoiding her. Then she considered calling Logan to come pick her up – but he hated her now. These thoughts made her cry more than any violation of her body.

Duncan didn't go to president's camps – he popped pills and talked to therapists in a whole other place so that nobody would know, and Lilly had never told her. Veronica had thought that she had been the closest person to Lilly – emotionally much closer than Logan – but they had never really talked about anything real. They had never had anything real to talk about – and the things that they did (Duncan's illness, Logan's abuse, Lianne's alcoholism, Lynn's alcoholism, Celeste's disappointment and mild neglect) they just glossed over. Like a shiny coat of polish on a nail, hiding any tiny flaws under a layer of stark red (or soft pink) pretence.

When Lilly died they had wanted her to talk about all the things she had been pretending didn't exist – but it had been too long and if she couldn't tell Lilly then Veronica didn't think she should tell a counselor that she didn't even know. She had just cried – hysterically – for the whole session.

She brushed past Logan on the way out and his defiant scowl faltered for a flicker of a moment when he saw her puffy, red eyes and stretched mouth – and she thinks that he wanted to hug her. But he didn't – he narrowed his eyes, tightened his lips and ignored her with a clenched jaw. Hands firmly in his pockets to stop him reaching out.

She had wanted him to look after her, but she had also wanted Lilly to survive. Want and get became very clearly defined in Veronica's mind.

The first time Veronica Mars looked after herself was when she walked home, got in her car and drove two towns over to buy a pregnancy test. The drugstore was small, almost empty and nobody bothered her as she traced the varying packets with visibly shaking fingers. She wasn't prepared for this – didn't know anything about blue windows and pink lines and smudgy dots that could determine the rest of your life.

When she approached the counter with five different brands the assistant warned her gently: "Are you sure you want to buy all these, dear? They're expensive."

Veronica's bottom lip quivered as she tried to smile through shiny eyes, admitting. "I, I don't know which one I want."

The middle-aged woman, her hair graying with wisdom at the roots, perused Veronica's choices before settling on a small blue box. "This one should be fine – it has two in there, just to be safe."

Veronica thought it was a little late for safety but she nodded numbly, handing over a few crumpled bills from her purse as the woman wrapped her box in an anonymous paper bag and sorted out her change.

"Good luck, dear."

She swallowed hard before she could reply quietly. "Thank you."

"_Oh! I got you a present!" She exclaimed, excited._

"_Really?" Veronica's eyes shone. "What is it?"_

"_Here!" Lilly handed over a small brown bag with a flourish. "You should never, ever leave home without these. Remember, V – no glove, no love!"_

_Her mouth dropping open in surprise, Veronica stared at the little box inside the bag – almost scared to touch the contents. "Lilly, these are _flavored_ condoms!"_

"_I know!" She beamed._

"_What am I going to do with—" She carefully turned the packet over to read the label. "'Cherry flavored, max pleasure, latex condoms?'"_

_Her head tilted round on her neck exaggeratedly. Teasing. "Well, if you have to ask…"_

"_No!" She almost shrieked, laughing. "God, Lilly you're so scandalous!"_

_Lilly blew out a sigh. "Live a little, Veronica Mars, no one else is gonna do it for you."_

Sitting with her pants around her ankles on the edge of her toilet seat Veronica glanced at her watch – turning the small plastic stick around she noticed it was blank of any incriminating symbols – 'no baby' blank. Letting out a deep sob she cried out her relief, her disappointment, her ecstasy – cried every emotion that her body was still capable of experiencing until her head became so tight and hot that she couldn't cry through the pain anymore.

She threw out the kit – carefully, so her dad wouldn't see. Wiped her eyes. Splashed some water on her face and decided not to think about it anymore.

That was the second time Veronica Mars looked after herself, the moment she realized that she didn't need Lilly or Duncan or Logan. She might want them to be there – but if she wanted things to be okay then that was just something she was going to have to do herself. She set her lips into a tight, determined line and when Keith had come home that night he found Veronica in the bathroom hacking chunks of her long, blonde hair onto the ground.

She was different now.

When he asked her what was going on she had simply placed the scissors in the sink and wrapped her arms around him tightly – uneven hair tickling his noise – and told him emphatically that she loved him. He pulled back with a wistful smile and chucked her on the chin lightly – he told her to go phone the hairdresser.

She caught Logan's eye when she walked into school the next day – he asked if she'd had an accident with some machinery. She stopped in the corridor, looked him straight in the eye and told him explicitly where both he and his smart mouth could go.

She was in the Principal's office by afternoon while he dictated to the phone that she was having 'difficulties adjusting'. Veronica thought she was adjusting just fine.

First Veronica had cut her hair, then she had dressed to match her personality, then she stopped taking shit from people, then she was Duncan's sister, then she was Logan's girlfriend.

But of course – she wasn't really Duncan's sister and just because the pink was a little darker and her skirts a little shorter didn't mean her personality had changed. And in the end she and Logan never went out on one date, so she wasn't really his girlfriend either.

The new Veronica's life sounded similar on paper but she would never be Lilly. Lilly was Lilly and Lilly was dead.

"_You know, Veronica, you could still have long hair and be like, totally spunky." She commented. "I kind of like it though – it's very… _new_. Her fingers flicked through the ends of Veronica's newly shorn hair._

"_A lot of things are new." Her words were wistful, pained._

_Lilly's hands shot into the air, palms up, fingers stretched out in a gesture of 'getting it'. "Oh, I know, and I swear if I could I would like totally kick Logan's ass right now – you want me to haunt him?"_

"_You can do that?" She squinted._

_  
Lilly just smiled. "What do you think I'm doing to you? Duh."_

He was defensive, he was arrogant – but he was hurt and desperate not to become a suspect. Veronica may have thought that he and Duncan would look after her post Lilly's death, but he was a little in love with her (that way friends sometimes are) and he didn't think she would pick the other side and spit on Duncan's family. Celeste might have been an intolerable and disappointed bitch but both the Kanes loved their daughter – even Logan knew that – they just didn't show it very well.

The four of them used to toast each other with champagne – now he cursed her name with too many shorts, too many of which were doubles. She cut off her long hair and grew a smart mouth and Logan fell out of love with any part of Veronica Mars that he might have loved before. He jumped the fence and instead of protecting her he went on a personal protection rampage – and she was cut clean out of any thoughts he had of the 'good old days'. He just picked better memories to get him through the days.

"_You're wicked." He smirked._

_Her lips curled immorally. "Gasp. What a revelation, better pat yourself on the back."_

"_You could do it for me." _

_And Lilly disappeared, the faint tang of her perfume in the air. He was sure of it._

While Veronica changed perfumes and body sprays constantly, never finding something that fit quite right – always fruity and light and subtle – Lilly was a subscriber to having a signature scent. Something for people to remember her by once she left a room. Something to alert people to her presence. Of course that caused everyone that had ever loved her an amount of sickly, clawing nostalgia in the weeks after her death – before she faded out of their rooms.

In the summer, when the air expanded and everything seemed bigger and brighter Veronica swore she could still smell Lilly's perfume – like it had been engrained into the very fibers of Neptune. Like it would never go away.

Logan couldn't bury his face in blonde hair and pretend that they were the same person. Their shampoo, conditioner, perfume, body wash, moisturizer and make-up all carried different scents. Differing shades of fruit and bubblegum that clung to skin and strands of hair with sticky abandon.

That's when he realized she was gone – when he couldn't smell her on his sheets, his clothes, when the Kane house started to reek of bleach. Sterile, clinical and void of human error. When Duncan's robotic stare became the friendliest sight between the walls and Celeste's clipped tone substituted for a warm laugh.

He knew that he was fanaticizing her qualities – fabling all the parts of her he had taken for granted, but death was apt to do that to a person. They became a storybook illustration – both completely accurate and merely a representation at the same time. It didn't really matter that sometimes she broke a nail or acted like a bitch or that her skin wasn't always flawless – all that really mattered was the way he wanted to remember her. And Logan was partial to the mythical Lilly who always looked good, always smiled, never cried, was hard as nails with soft hands – and a warm mouth that she didn't have a problem wrapping around him.

Sometimes he thinks that if Lilly was still alive then Veronica would both measure up and beat her in his mind – but who can be more fantastic than a dead girl who everyone's left longing for?

Lilly had never touched Logan like he was defected. Like she was guilty that he might break under her fingers and she would be somehow implicated in his condition. She was never cautious; she made him feel real – rather than another prop for his parents.

The sand stretched out beneath her bare legs and he pulled the arm around her closer, lips resting on her hair. Logan had a habit of always touching her – she would disappear otherwise, of that he was certain. And it was true, as soon as he let her go she ran away and he was left with nothing but sand in his shoes – hope fading fast in his lungs.

These days when he came to the beach he occasionally had another blonde with him – one who seemed brash and witty on the outside even as she was timidly startled by her own beauty on the inside. As if she couldn't quite believe that she was pretty, that she could be wanted by anyone in anyway. He had always felt wanted – just not for himself – people wanted him for the things he could do for them. How he could make his parents look better, earn the school some money off his name, control someone's social status within the walls of Neptune High with a well-placed click of his fingers.

He had a lot of power and a lot of money for a seventeen year old boy – but he still never got what he wanted. Even if it was something as simple as deciding between a dead girl and the cacophony of fractured gold strands and lightly blushed skin that lay next to him on the edge of the ocean.

He doesn't think it's fair that he should wrestle with who he loves more – why should he put any of them through that when two of them are still alive? Still, he has nightmares where history is repeating itself and when he kisses her Logan expects her mouth to taste of blood – but Veronica is still alive. And he wants to know, definitely, certainly that he is in love with her – to be sure that his impending heartache will be worth it all. But there is no measure of love and he guesses – hands sprawling through the tiny particles of sand – that maybe it's his choice.

Maybe he can choose to love Veronica and everything else will be okay. But he can't be sure – he's always been sixteen/seventeen and shallow. He's still in love with the girl he fell for when he was fourteen and he's still fighting his feelings for the one he wanted two years before that. He will never just let things be easy between them and he doesn't know why.

Maybe, he considers, he is just a coward who clings to the things he cannot have so that he will never get what he wants.

"_God, Veronica Mars – when did you become such a _minx_? Using the ex for sex, that is so… Well, me!" Lilly scandalized._

Veronica had never once considered a relationship with Logan – even in the 'good old days' he had just been her jerk of a friend who liked to embarrass her and make out with her best friend and hang out with her boyfriend.

He was the kind of boy she could touch freely because there was never any question of lingering fingers or longing glances.

There had been lots of little times when his arms had been around her. When they were happy, when she was sad, when her mom had been drinking – when Lilly had died. She had thought that between them Duncan and Logan would take care of her – they would make everything alright.

The new Veronica hates the old Veronica because she was embarrassingly stupid and naïve. They didn't even try – and she soon realized that it wasn't ever going to be alright. Logan didn't touch her anymore. Duncan didn't look at her anymore.

Logan was Lilly's and Veronica had never considered wanting him before.

His fingers grazed up her thighs, mouth applying a hot, sucking pressure by her throat and she never 'not considered' wanting Logan again. She would have made Lilly proud during 'I Never…' now. Except that Lilly was over Logan and Logan was finished with Lilly and their little foursome would have split off its axis either way – Veronica almost likes this way better, this way where every bad thing between them could be blamed on an outside party. On anything but truth and growth.

They had hated each other only because they had to, because it was easier than clinging to ghosts – they had never really hated each other. She repeats it like a mantra as he kisses down her ribs.

He whispers promises into her mouth that he can never keep – she doesn't cling to false hope. And she doesn't cling to ghosts. She clings to him – sweat and saliva pressed into skin – and she comes instead of crying.

He holds onto her like a lifeline and she knows that she should stop considering – that it's dangerous. Because this is grief counseling, nothing more. Stress relief. Understanding. Maybe an apology – although they both already know that the year after Lilly's death was necessary. His quiet fingers press her waist against him; his mouth on hers has a strong pull – like an undertow. He says 'please don't go, please don't go, please don't leave me too' with his body and she doesn't make any promises. She replies 'I'm angry and hurt but I'm not going anywhere right now' with her fingers but her mouth breaks over: "Logan".

She writes 'LILLY' on him with her tongue – but he doesn't seem to notice. She does because there are whispers of that girl between them – too many memories – that she is trying to clean away with her mouth. When he tries to speak his voice cracks on "Veronica" not Lilly, and she doesn't know if that should make her happy or incoherently upset.

Either way there is still the ghost of a girl between them that they cannot feel. A girl whose hands they are forgetting as they burn their identities into each other like a bad thief. These fingerprints will never be cleaned.

Logan knows that when he fell in love with Veronica he fell out of love with Lilly all over again – every time a little stronger. And every time she ran away he fell back in love with Lilly – her disappearance has an airtight excuse. Veronica's was all flawed and lonely.

He couldn't lose another person – so it was lucky that he had never really had her to begin with. Waking up alone to rumpled sheets was almost a sweet mercy to watching her climb off of him, redress and leave with a quick, awkward kiss. Deer-in-headlight eyes catching him in their peripheral, too scared to look at him directly.

She was a walkaway, a runaway, a helpless cause, an intimacy basket case – and he was fucking desperate for her flaws. Absolutely consumed with covering his faults in hers and feeling a little less guilty. He missed her terribly – even when she was there.

Missed her hands and lips and the way her mouth always tasted faintly of cherry. Veronica chewed cherry gum a lot – the different kind of flavored rubber making her mouth dull and artificial – which seemed a fitting tribute to a dead girl who had given Veronica her first condoms, which she had never used. She still had them in a box somewhere and if they weren't out of date she'd have given Lilly one last 'hurrah' with their boyfriend.

But they were dusty and certainly hadn't been used the first time she had sex – and Veronica didn't see any real need to complicate things between her and Logan any more. He didn't need two girls to run away from him at the same time – and so Lilly got no 'hurrah' and Veronica didn't buy anymore cherry condoms.

_Lilly stretched back on her bed, arms and legs pulling outwards like a graceful starfish. "God, Veronica – you need to get laid or I am so loaning you Logan."_

"_Ew! Lilly I don't want you to 'loan' me Logan." She gasped in response._

_She rolled her eyes. "Sure, that's what you say now but you would so be thanking me afterwards."_

"_Lilly!" Veronica tossed a cushion at her best friend._

Logan doesn't know how to mourn her anymore – now that there is a different girl standing beside him, stealing his love. He sinks down into the dirt that has long been covered over by grass and fragments of death and he tells her in a harsh whisper what a "stupid, fucking bitch" she was – and how dare she leave them. He traces his fingers over her – six feet away – and he doesn't cry.

People at her funeral had spouted bullshit about her being too wonderful for this world. That she was so bright she had to burn out faster than everyone else. Something that good could never last. He didn't get it – he knew plenty of people that put way more work into life than Lilly ever had, and they were still alive. Sometimes sentiment just goes down the wrong way. He wasn't asked to speak – neither was Veronica. Apparently they just weren't the way Celeste Kane wanted to remember the daughter she had kept trying to forget about while she had been alive. Duncan hadn't spoken – only because he couldn't, mute and tear-stained.

Someone kept leaving a single, white lily on her grave – and he wanted to choke the bastard. His jaw clenched at the sight of something so peaceful on the site of his own personal oblivion. He would welcome an earthquake – just to make it all disappear. Everything in Neptune, everything she had ever touched, to make it all fall through the cracks and give him a fresh start, a new life – and he would look after this one. He promised.

But you don't get a clean slate and the girl trembling next to him has taught him that more than death ever could. Death was permanent – but final, whereas the things she had suffered would have no end. Until death came around again. They would never go away, and he wondered if the ghosts of his girlfriend ever would. And yes she would always be his girlfriend – his first.

Still, he wondered if people were right and as the years went on she would get less vivid, more fluid and just melt herself into the parts of his brain that were fuzzy and grey. Little doors that were only opened on special occasions. The pieces that took care not to haunt him every day.

Part of him hoped that she would – that he could find some peace away from her – but the guilt of that wish made him certain that she wouldn't.

He kept his fingers trailing through the grass – still trying to keep his hands all over her, a belated gesture to stop her from running away. He thought that Veronica could probably read his mind now – because instead of running she entwined her fingers in his, thumb moving slow, soothing circles on his skin. Her skin soft and sheer from the remnants of tears.

She crouched down next to him and Logan kissed her on Lilly's grave.

_He reached over her to pull the crumpled piece of paper from between Lilly's hands – make-shift love calculator that she refused to stop drawing even though they were all out of middle school. "What'd we score?" He asked as she grabbed the paperback secretively._

"_51%." She replied with a giggle._

"_What about me and Duncan?" Veronica demanded excitedly._

"_Uh." Lilly consulted her paper. "44% - but gosh, Veronica Mars. You and Logan scored 75%, who'd have thought!"_


End file.
